American Life In The Summertime #31 - England

Here in England there was a date rape case which made the minor news recently. Apparently it involved an after work get together that turned a bit drunken, with the girl claiming later that she was too drunk to remember what happened and, therefore, to give consent, and the guy claiming that until this point he simply thought he'd got lucky & had no idea anything was wrong. The case was eventually dismissed because it seems that a drunken hookup was not an unusual occurrence for the lady in question, and there was a significant level of playing along at the time, regardless of how much of it she remembered later. The relieved guy later had this to say to the press: "I'm not saying she had the time of her life or anything, but she was there." It has been said that an Englishman would rather be told he was a bad lover than that he has no sense of humour, and it seems this is probably just as well.

Welcome to England, land of pale bodies, flat beer, and 3 types of weather: either there has just been rain, or it's just about to rain, or it's raining. Despite the famous weather the English have managed to pack more than their fare share of history into their tiny island, nowhere more so than London. While in London I managed to get myself on a Jack The Ripper themed walking tour around the city, taking in the various grisly sites of his activities. The tour guide was telling us that standing on the side of the road in inner east London, talking to a group of tourists, with your back to the world, is an easy way to be targeted by various harmless wags looking to add their own flavour to the tour. One of these stories involves the actions of the occupant of a passing car who, upon spying yet another Jack The Ripper tour group standing looking earnestly at the guide, was moved to cruise past hanging out the sunroof of the vehicle singing Bohemian Rhapsody at full volume. Nude. The guy was sufficiently encouraged by the reaction he received on his first pass that he then decided to come back past again and repeat the performance, only this time in reverse. Even more impressive is the fact that he was the only occupant of the car and, therefore, also somehow driving it at the time, a feat which Mr Ripper would have been hard pressed to emulate, but I bet there won't be walking tours honouring this guy in years to come. And I ask, where's the justice in that?

It has been noted that virtually all editions of ALITS thus far seem to have have involved either drinking, or nudity, or both. So it seems worth assuring you that I have attempted to undertake some cultural activities during my trip. For me, this extends pretty much as far as sport, and so this involved a visit to the home of cricket, Lord's Cricket Ground in central London. The story of the Ashes is well known to most Australians, however it is perhaps difficult to describe the tension that surrounded the final day's play in the match at which the entire legend started over 120 years ago. According to reports faithfully recreated at the Lord's museum, as the match drew to its tense conclusion one spectator bit through his umbrella in suspense, while another died of heart failure. I'm not sure that putting an umbrella in my mouth would be my response to a close sporting contest, but each to his own. Ashes contests these days are perhaps not so hazardous to the health, although they are equally dramatic, and on occasion you discover little back stories which make it just that much harder to hate the Poms like you want to (apologies to the non-cricket fans out there for this next indulgence.....)

One of the 10 ways in which you can be out in cricket is to be "Timed Out", which means you have 2 minutes from the fall of the previous wicket to be out on the field ready to face the next ball. It's extremely rare, but during the previous Ashes tour here 4 years ago, the tension was high during a mini Australian collapse, and Jason Gillespie was due out to bat next. At Lord's, players must enter the field from the dressing rooms through the famous Long Room, and this includes international players even during an important match. During a big game the Long Room is obviously pretty crowded with people attending to watch the game, and players are required to make their way through this throng on their way out to bat. Such was the crowd on this occasion that Gillespie actually took 2 1/2 minutes to get to the crease, and the umpires offered England captain Michael Vaughan the option for Gillespie to be Timed Out. Vaughan, gentleman that he was, refused, and England went on to lose the match but win the series anyway and reclaim the Ashes for the first time in 16 years. And we can't even point to them being bad sports. Bloody Pommie bastards.

(ps as a result the Timed Out law has now been increased to 3 minutes. I was also rewarded for this nod to the higher arts when I bellied up to the Lord's bar next to one M. Gatting, former England cricket captain. He seemed a rather agreeable sort of chap, although he did appear to be still looking in bewilderment about his legs for Warne's ball of the century. Great moment, that).

I have to hand it to the English, their media is a source of continual amusement, if only for their faithful reporting of the stupidity of their citizens. My favourite at the moment is the recent story of a gang of criminals who attempted to forge the passport of The Office star Ricky Gervais, in order to use it to buy gold. The cunning plan came unstuck for two reasons: firstly, the photo they had used for the passport had simply been copied from the cover of The Office DVD, and as such featured a goatee-glad David Brent with that ridiculous, self-satisfied grin that we fans know so well. And secondly, under the section for Occupation, they had again copied some of Brent's best work and lifted verbatim a quote from the series, which I now relate to you with, I promise, not the slightest exaggeration: "Occupation: Friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third." How they ever expected such a complete and well-researched document to fail them, I don't know. And so in the words of another great man, although Mr Springer would undoubtedly list Entertainer first on his long list of skills, it's once again time to remind you 'till next time: take care of yourselves.....and each other.