American Life In The Summertime #35 - Goodbye, Farewell, Amen

In Florida, a man was fined recently for making a 911 call to complain that his local Burger King had no lemonade.

It is probably no secret now that I like America, and Americans. This is my 5th trip to the US, I've now visited a total of 35 of the 50 states, and I went out with an American for 2 years. Many of the greatest achievements in human history have come at the hands of the yanks, and many of the smartest people on earth call the USA home. So I think my credentials as a Americaphile are pretty well established. And so as such, I also feel I can share these next comments with you with no accusations of America bashing.....

Americans are not stupid. They do, however, have the third largest population on earth (over 300 million people, behind only China and India), and as a result the number of inhabitants of both the top and the bottom end of the population pool is correspondingly larger. And the activities of those at the top of the scale are rarely as amusing. So allow me to share with you now my favourite collection of stories of some of our lesser-gifted brothers and sisters from the USA.

In Texas, a guy pretending to be a cop had outfitted his truck with police paintwork, siren, flashing lights and the whole bit. Well, almost the whole bit. Playing cop, he pulled over a motorist for reasons known only to himself. The motorist was alerted that things were perhaps not as they seemed when the "cop" presented an ID that was actually a restaurant gift card, still complete with the "Jalapeno & Chipotle Mexican Grill" chilli logo.

In South Dakota a man stole 2 cash registers from a local store, and was caught when the police followed a trail of cash register tape 50 yards to the man's nearby apartment, where he was attempting to crack them open.

In Florida (again) a woman with kids in tow was arrested in a store for shoplifting. Among the items found in her bag was a book entitled "101 Ways To Be A Great Mom'.

In Tennessee, a woman was pulled over for a common traffic violation, and the police had decided to let her off. She was so relieved that she lit up a joint to help her calm down. She was subsequently arrested.

In Texas (again), 2 guys mugged a couple but were subsequently caught when one of the muggers later used the woman's ID found in her purse to turn up on her doorstep to ask for a date.

A woman in Oklahoma was intrigued to see the items offered for sale at her neighbour's yard sale - she initially complimented the neighbour as many were exactly her taste, similar to items she had lost during a recent burglary. Closer inspection revealed that in fact they were exactly the same, as they were hers. The neighbour was arrested.

Firemen in New York in the 1800's were annoyed at not being one of the exempted occupations for the Civil War draft, and so set fire to the draft office. The fire spread and took them 2 days to extinguish. Most of the firefighters were subsequently drafted.

A man in Florida (are you seeing a pattern here?) was arrested when he robbed a bank with a note written on the back of a personal cheque. His own personal cheque. Already pre-filled out with all his details. From the same bank.


All in all however, despite the shortcomings of some of its less fortunate citizens, any country which has a TV channel seemingly established for the sole purpose of announcing, advertising and distributing the DVD "DD's & Derrieres 3" is alright by me. God bless America.

Finally, after a year of reporting on the unique characteristics of the good people of everywhere from Spain to Sweden, it seems only fair as this current version of ALITS draws to a close to turn an eye towards my brothers from the Land Down Under, and examine how they acquit themselves when they venture out into the world to become ambassadors for our country.

Australian backpackers are pretty much all the same guy. Something on their body will be tattooed or pierced, to reinforce their individuality. They wear thongs everywhere and have that fake tiny mohawk haircut which they will deny they specifically asked for and just somehow occurs naturally on their head, but which in fact cost far more than any man should ever spend on personal grooming. They have spent the past 3 months in the gym specifically in preparation to travel, and wear tank tops everywhere even in minus-30 degree temperatures, which actually allows you to watch them shrink before your eyes during their first week away as this artificial level of exercise returns to its normal rate of zero. They will speak to you in a voice far louder than necessary, hoping that a girl will hear their accent and therefore have sex with them, except that every other Australian guy within 50 feet is also doing the same thing and all you end up with is what sounds like the first round of auditions for the next Crocodile Hunter. They do this because Australian backpackers have an unshakable belief that every female within viewing distance wants to sleep with them simply because they are Australian, even if they are a mongol with a monobrow whose best pickup line is "Brace yourself, Sheilah" while scratching themselves.

Within the first 3 minutes of your conversation with an Australian backpacker they will have managed to work in the entire story of every girl they have slept with since they left. This is to convince you what an alpha-male they are. (Any actual visual confirmation of these supposed conquests will reveal the true horror of the decision they made last night, or else reveal that they did not actually get any further than a reluctant conversation as she pleaded with her friends to drag her away.) It is quite amusing to introduce 2 Australian backpackers to each other as they will both become so focused on trying to prove who is the bigger pantsman that they will be stuck one-upping each other for the rest of the night and in fact have no opportunity to actually talk to women.

This, however, of course only applies if they are talking to another guy, who they think might be impressed. If you are the girl, your conversation with an Australian backpacker will involve him listing every place he has been so far, and then every place he is going from here, whether you asked or not, and will continue until he "casually" has his arm around the back of your chair to attempt to stake his claim & send a message to the 19 other Australians also hanging around trying to cut in with their own list of where they have been. At this point, convinced that he has done everything that is required, the Australian will lean in and deliver his proposal, and be genuinely shocked when he learns that this is not quite enough groundwork for you to disappear upstairs with him, having not actually been able to get a word in yet to even tell him your name.

Being so far away, Australians do tend to spend long times traveling, and as a result they do tend to have a lengthy list of ticks on their travel map. However this does not necessarily imply experience in the countries they have ticked, or even awareness. The typical Australian backpacker's idea of traveling in Europe is to sit on a bus with 50 other Australians, with whom they have already been out the night before and are now far too hungover to actually see anything of the city in which they find themself. They will sleep the entire way to the next city, and all check into the same hostel together and promptly go out again with the same other Australians, thereby achieving the difficult task of having been to many countries without having actually experienced anything within them. They will then get up the next morning and get on another bus with more other Australians, and sleep to the next new destination, and repeat until they have a sufficient body of travel "experience" to attempt to use it to seduce someone that night. Overall, the average Australian guy would be equally well served by taking a bus to Cairns, getting knocked back by 20 backpackers of various nationalities, and using the money saved for future hair services.

And so, after 12 months, 33 countries, 26,000 miles and countless hostel dorm beds, the longest chapter of ALITS yet is drawing to a close. After the last year I feel I will be paying off this trip for the rest of my life and will never be able to travel again, but for those who wanted to see ALITS - The Book or keep suggesting I do this for a living, contributions, donations and contacts in the publishing industry are now being gratefully accepted. And who better to finish off than the man who has brought such joy and wisdom to so many since the very first edition of ALITS 12 years ago, the great Mr Jerry Springer. 'Til next time - whenever that is: take care of yourselves.....and each other.