As a guy, there are certain rules that you pick up without even thinking at a very early age, which are designed to help you on your difficult and confusing journey to male adulthood. One of the most crucial of these is how to conduct yourself when you may be in some danger of coming into close proximity with another man, and one or more of you is in some way partially unclothed, a dangerous minefield that can lead to discomfort, confusion, and possible unintentional lifestyle change. When I was last in the USA I went with a friend to Austin, the Texas state capital and a great, fun college town. Naturally, we went out for drinks. At some point in the night, after several drinks I found myself in need of the bathroom. As I walked in, I was confronted with 6 urinals in a row against the back wall. The one guy already there had taken a urinal on the very end, as depicted in this artist's impression:
This, of course, correctly allows for later entrants to take positions as far from each other as possible. This is what I did now:
This continues to allow further participants to take positions ensuring the maximum possible buffer between guys. So can someone please tell me, when the next guy entered, why this happened?
No. Epic fail. You have just failed to demonstrate an understanding of basic urinal etiquette, and as a result we are both now suffering for it. You will also note that while there were 2 possible people to stand next to if he really wanted to mess up, he had chosen to walk as far as possible across the entire room to stand next to me. The first guy there saw what had happened and, as unfortunate as this was for me, rightly got out of there as fast as possible, giving me a look on the way out which said "I don't know if you guys planned this, but if not, good luck, pal."
Now I am not by nature a homophobic man (to which Mr Vandelay will attest), but given the choice between taking a whizz while standing right next to another man, or in as much solitude as possible, I'm going for the solitude. There is always a choice to make in situations like these. You can keep your eyes fixed firmly on your own job, squeeze off as quick as possible and quickly walk outside, hanging around just past the door pretending to take an inordinate interest in the neon beer advertisements adorning the walls until the guy leaves, and then try not to make eye contact as you walk back in once he has left, to finish off. Or, you can fix him with the "Dude, WTF?" look reserved only for men who find it acceptable to give you a shoulder to shoulder massage when you are the only two in a large room, and you are both unzipped. Being quite a few drinks up, including, I discovered later, several doubles bought for me by my drinking companion "to make sure that we were both getting the same amount of drunk" (the logic made sense at the time), I went for the WTF? look.
And the guy was smiling at me.
This at least solved the problem of having to finish up quickly and get the hell out of there. There is nothing like being smiled at in a Texas bathroom by a guy who has walked across an entire room to stand next to you to with your tackle out to bring a rapid end to proceedings. I exited the bathroom, grabbed my friend and soon after we were to be found in another bar as I tried to explain the massive breakdown in social order that had just occurred. She tried to be sympathetic and understanding but I'm not sure she understood the full impact of the situation, although at least she bought me another drink.
Now this is why I like meeting Australians when I travel. One afternoon here in New York I was enjoying a few quiet beers & watching the football, when beside me at the bar I heard someone order a beer in an accent that could only have come from somewhere close to Newcastle. It belonged to a guy from Taree, who was in New York on his honeymoon and actually staying in another nearby hostel. Yeah, actually that classy. Even better, he had left his fresh new bride back at said hostel while he came down to the pub to watch the football (the fact that she did not accompany him does not bear well for her future potential as a wife in my humble opinion, but I chose to keep this to myself). Having never met the bride, my only loyalty here was clearly to the groom and so we proceeded to toast each other, the pub, New York, New South Wales, the current and former players of the Liverpool Football Club, low rise jeans, Reese Witherspoon, the start of his new life of domestic bliss and whatever else came to mind before the bride finally appeared at our side, inexplicably looking somewhat miffed at the fact she had been left in a hostel on her honeymoon while her new hubby went down to the pub. Well, you didn't want to come, did you?
Summoning the best diplomacy of which I was capable at this point, I offered to buy her a drink to celebrate her fine choice of life partner and possibly give the happy couple a few brief minutes to chat while I was at the bar, as I had, with my superior grasp of human nature, deduced that this was what she appeared to want at this point. Surprisingly, she did not appreciate this gesture and in fact turned to her new hubby with a toss of the head which was clearly meant to dismiss me, and informed him to stay put because she "needed to pee badly", and then they were leaving. Well, I have feelings just like any other sensitive new age man and I'll be honest with you, they were somewhat hurt by this poor treatment. In retrospect I should perhaps have tried to be the bigger person, but that's never as much fun. I played dumb (not altogether difficult) and helpfully observed that if she needed to pee badly, then she could hardly do it more badly than to just stand right there & let go, which would accomplish the task very badly indeed. The look I received in reply confirmed that in fact it would perhaps have been more correct to say that she needed to go quite urgently, not that she had any particular desire to complete the task badly. This misunderstanding corrected, the bride turned on her heel and swept away to the bathroom, at which her new husband looked at me apologetically and suggested perhaps it would be better for him to move on now, and we parted with sorrow. I miss that guy.
Once again the USA has proved to be a source of continual amazement. There is way too much to express in one email but any society where you can be greeted pleasantly by a passing black lady on the street in Harlem at 8pm on January 13th, and wished a happy new year in a genuinely friendly manner, and then rudely challenged by guards in a subway station 2 blocks away carrying submachine guns (yes, normal guards, at a subway station, with submachine guns), is a society worth far more time than people normally give it. More later. And so, as we are finally back in the home of the great Jerry Springer, it's time to remind you once again 'til next time: take care of yourselves.....and each other.
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