American Life In The Summertime #16 - South Africa Part 2

4 June, 2008


Wildebeest are stupid.  Having just spent the better part of the last 3 months on various safaris and other lion-related activities around Africa, this is the chief conclusion that can be drawn.  Wildebeests' chief interest is grass.  Non-grass-related issues rate only the briefest attention.  It will probably come as no surprise that one of a lion's favourite prey is wildebeest.  A wildebeest spends approximately 99% of its time with its head down eating grass, and the other 1% pissing on the grass that it is about to eat next.  As a lion approaches, the wildebeest may catch a whiff or sense something is wrong, whereupon it will abruptly jerk up its head and run off about 20 feet in a startled fashion and in a random direction, before suddenly going "Hey - grass!!" and immediately stopping once again to lower its head and continue munching.  At this point the lion simply crouches down and starts the process again.  Bill Bryson once described moose as being so stupid that you could just about walk right up to one and beat it to death with a rolled up newspaper, but with a wildebeest you probably wouldn't even need to roll it up - just lay a few sheets over its head and once it can no longer see grass it will probably just stand there forever until it starves to death, saying "When I see some grass soon I'm going to eat that".  You may have heard that 9 out of 10 lion hunts end in failure, but I can tell you that when the target is a wildebeest, they can get the 9 unsuccessful hunts and the final successful one all out of the way in about 20 minutes total.

After making friends with Springbok and the rest of the Afrikaaners in Pretoria it was time to head up to my second and final volunteer stint, an ongoing research project on a private game reserve bordering Kruger National Park, where some of the resident lions had collars on allowing us to track them, monitor behaviour, feeding patterns etc.  Note, I say "some".  Unlike some of the bigger commercial parks where the terrain is quite clear and you can see herds of elephants a kilometre off in the distance, our park was heavy bushland and you could be right beside something and not know it until it charged you in an aggressive and grumpy manner.  On one hand this was OK because, after 3 months in various commercial wildlife parks, I had all the photos of the Big 5 arses that I needed: unless something stood on its head, or strolled past juggling a few cubs or something, the camera was pretty much staying in the bag at this point.  On the other hand, the aim of the project was to study the lions, and due to the terrain you could drive along the rough dirt tracks until you knew the animals were close (ish), but unless they were lying right out on the road you eventually had to get out of the vehicle and proceed on foot if you wanted your sightings.  This is what we frequently did.

Anywhere else in the world, exiting the vehicle would require lengthy disclaimers and safety drills involving commando rolls and stabbing motions to the jugular, and promises that if you get attacked you will forfeit your first born male child for being so stupid and daring to bring the good name of the project into disrepute.  But TIA: here, the guy running the project immediately disappears off into the bush in the (presumed) direction of the lions, leaving you to follow and, disturbingly in some instances, guess which way he has gone.  It's grab a stick and keep up.   Given you are typically carrying a beer in one hand, your best bet is to hope that the lion goes for another member of your group and you walk along pointing theatrically at the person ahead of you and trying to hang strips of raw meat on their clothes without them noticing.  Occasionally, however, it's just the guy running the project and you.  This means that your other hand also carries the esky, and there you are, in the middle of the dense African bush, walking along with both hands full of booze in the vicinity of at least 10 lions of uncertain location (I say "at least" 10 because other lions from outside the park would frequently break in to join the party.  This you would not know until you stumbled upon them and realised that these were not "your" lions, not that it would matter because "your" lions would also eat you if they got the chance).  You hope at least to be able to bargain with the lions for the contents of the esky, however if you've tasted Castle Lager you will know your best bet now is to beat yourself to death with the esky before the lions get to you.  You briefly wish for some of Handrail Man's merchandise to give you a better swing and the chance of a clean kill as you experimentally test the range of the esky while trying not to launch the beer into the distance because, if you survive this, you are going to appreciate even Castle Lager soon.

This will be the last edition of ALITS from Africa, but I have a feeling it won't be another 10 years this time before the next one.  At the risk of turning this final update into an even longer than usual essay, I will indulge myself with these Final Thoughts from Africa.....

Even South Africa is still very much Africa.   Crime is the national obsession here - at the Lion Park we had to mend a section of the main fence along the road because people had come along - in broad daylight - and stole the fence posts.  Not the actual fencing, the wires or anything else - just the wooden posts.  The other uniquely Africa thing here are the power cuts (euphemistically called "load shedding", as if they have too MUCH power and they just have to dump some of it off somewhere) which are a weekly and sometimes daily occurrence somewhere in South Africa, as more people move into the cities and away from their traditional bush lifestyle.   The timing of this load shedding is also touchingly African: typically from 8 to 10pm on a Friday night or something similar.  Everywhere here is protected by electric fences, although I'm not sure they have figured out exactly what happens to electric fences when the power goes out.  When all the lights, electricity and other services are out, and the response times of your police and security guards are at their slowest, your #1 line of defense has now also become a useful climbing device.  AND they have advertised exactly when this is going to happen for days in advance.  Compare this with Kenya, where the solution is to have an armed guard everywhere: hotel entrances, universities, shopping centre car parks, camp grounds, you name it - everywhere has a human being with a gun.  The Kenyan solution appears to be to give everybody a job guarding stuff, leaving no-one hanging around with enough spare time to steal anything.  This would appear to negate the need for guards in the first place, but they seem happy with it.

Despite their novel approach to crime prevention, it really is a shame what happened with Kenya recently.   In late December there was an election, with the usual accusations of vote-rigging, but this time the normally placid Kenyans had had enough and descended into violence.  Kenyans normally vote along tribal lines and so the clashes between rival supporters quickly became all-out hostility between tribes.  Although it was probably one of the rare times where being the only white person in the area would NOT be a problem, because they were all too focused on attacking each other, my Kenyan tour was originally switched out of Kenya completely.  About 2 days before I was due to depart it was eventually switched back and we did go, but crowds were way down and remain so.   Our tour was originally fully booked at 22, but by the time we started we left with just 9, because everyone else dropped out.   I am proud to say that all 9 were Australians:  every non-Australian had wisely assessed the potential danger and dropped out, and every Aussie thought "bugger it - we'll go anyway".   I would like to think that this is what lead to the intense display of national pride at the rugby game in Pretoria, but given that this was some 3 months after the Kenya trip, there are some who have suggested it was simply my natural reaction to 45,000 people thinking they were more stubborn than me.  I'll leave you to decide.

Perhaps I have been a little uncomplimentary regarding Afrikaaners.  While it is true that the local coloured people I have met here have been nothing but wonderful, and the whites a bit of a mixed bag, there is a standard joke here:   "What's the difference between a tourist and a racist?".  "About two weeks."  It is also true that I have met some wonderful white South Africans, whereas unless you are introduced to them personally, the only time the coloured people talk to you is when approaching you on the street to ask for money, offer to sell you marijuana, sandals, handicrafts etc.  I have only had to put up with this for 3 months, but obviously this is life for many white Africans.  So I guess the old saying is true: before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes.   Then, when you do criticise them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.   'Til next time - whenever that is: take care of yourselves.....and each other.